Nausea, Part 1
6/24/2005
One hand holds down terror; The other lifts it up.
I've spent most of my adult life feeling reasonably pragmatic and occasionally optimistic about the worthiness and survivability of the human race. I practice compassion on a daily basis. I've done my best to follow the Four Agreements. I've been reasonably kind and generous. I've learned how to embrace people for who they are, not so much for what they do. I've followed a spiritual path and continue to do so, weeding out the dogma and the religion and learning, day by day, how to be more forgiving and also more creative. Learning how to be sane and rational without having to rely on a false impression of the Divine.
But the more I look around at what sort of people are out there, people claiming to be authorities, people claiming to embrace certain religious principles, people claiming to be leaders, Presidents, Senators, moral examples, people claiming that "Jesus Loves You" but pushing certain 'types' of people away from the altars of our many faiths, the more discouraged I become and the more I want to simply GIVE UP on the entire human race. This is exactly how I felt before I took on the task of weeding through all the shit I was taught as a child. And this is exactly where I'm back to, having taken spiritual foundations courses, getting to know people, therapy, education, keeping abreast of world events. I don't like being back here, but it's the honest truth. I'm back in the nausea again.
Take the above ad for instance. It came from the AFA web site. I arrived there through a random post on one of the Progressive blogs I frequent. What a nasty little thing, the AFA. I won't pretend to be naive. I know people like this exist because I was raised with their creed. Socially acceptable 'hate dialogue' has been a fixture in my childhood, and because I didn't have any mentors to tell me otherwise, I've had to find out the way things are on my own; I had to dig through the bullshit. I had to read and look around and read some more and learn my history and learn how people work (in general). I had to unlearn the lies and look for something that resembles 'Truth.'
But I'm feeling the nausea again. Probably because I'm thinking more with my head on the ground. Probably because I stopped meditating (I almost typed 'medicating.' Heh). Existential dread. A realization, perhaps. Or just an experience of the lowest of the low? Maybe tomorrow will be 'looking up,' eh?
Doubtful. At least not until I sort out how I'm going to respond to these indescribable feelings. Like the kind you get when you turn on the telly and see live bombings of Iraqi cities. How am I supposed to feel when an entire population sits idly by while our military turns arab cities into smoking, creaking husks full of the bloody dead - all in the name of freedom? How about when right-wing religious organizations slowly eat up the air like a cancer? How am I supposed to feel about the human race that sits around, enjoying their home theater systems, nice cars, and air conditioning, while the American Family Association, a den of bigoted hatemongers, manages to work its way up to 2 million active members? How am I supposed to feel when the US Government releases a report that says 'we can win a nuclear war, and here's how!' And all the right-wing pundits have a fucking orgy. How am I supposed to feel when nearly half of the population scream for the blood of heretics and infadels, just before picking up tacos and a six-pack for dinner? How am I supposed to feel, surrounded by ignorant, crazy motherfuckers that don't even bother to read a fucking newspaper or watch more than FOX news or give a shit about anything beyond their own puerile self-interest? How am I supposed to feel when we 'fight for terror' overseas and raise our own brand of zealous right-wing terrorism right here and do nothing. And lastly, how am I supposed to feel - being the fellow human that I am - when the world is so overcrowded with whining, greedy bastards with blood and oil in their eyes that common sense, fair and equitable treatment can never be heard above the noise of their guttural, animalistic cries of War! Blood! Oil! Jesus! ?
I feel depths of mortal dread in ways I never thought possible. I'm tempted to take the easy route, stop reading the news, stop watching C-Span, cancel my magazine subscriptions, stop paying attention. But I know I'd just feel worse by pretending the nausea isn't there.
posted by Edward Svengali @ Friday, June 24, 2005,
1 Comments:
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At 10:53 PM,
Monk-in-Training said...
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I am glad there are people here in Oklahoma that still get sick over what the "Christian" Right claims is the Faith.
