Not an Atheist
No, surprise suprise. I'm not an athiest. And to be more honest, I really don't have a predefined set of spiritual beliefs that can be easily smashed into a theological box for all to see. It's not a black and white issue for me. It's a day-to-day, moment by moment experience of life, and it constantly changes course and intensity. Why give all that up to be carried away by some ideology?
I do, however, enjoy philosophical conversations on occasion. Questions to arouse my intellect, make me 'think myself' into a religious paradigm, only to find that I usually do everything I can to crawl out of that rut. See, religion doesn't make me very happy. In fact, it makes me uncomfortable, perhaps because I was raised Pentecostal/Evangelical and it's so easy for me to dispise the whole thing based on my experience. But in the end, it really doesn't work that way. That's just what I'd like to see. All my bitterness tearing apart the already illogical nature of a religious institution. I've grown up to discover that I have better things to do.
What brought all this about, you ask? Went to the bookstore, headed straight for the poetry section (with a pit stop to the magazine rack to pick up next week's copy of The Nation), only to realize that it was being blocked off by a group of meetup.com participants. The Athiest group. Since I couldn't get past the anthologies and anywhere past the "B" authors (C-Z were facing the Atheist group, and they were taking up all the space), I decided to circle around occasionally to see if they were through. Needless to say, I discovered an old acquaintance in the crowd, Chad M., the former lead singer of Concept of Nonsense and The Kids Who Never Learned How to Color Inside The Lines. Great guy, though I've rarely had the opportunity to actually sit down and chat.
Needless to say, I couldn't resist eavesdropping on the conversations. There was a lot of political bickering going on, and a great deal of harsh, bitter monologues and agreements regarding the sad state of Christianity. And I found that I agreed with most everything that was being discussed. This, of course, was just before I asked what they were meeting for (Atheism). So I snuck over, said Hey to Chad, and asked if it was an open meeting. They cleared a seat, then people started talking. I could tell that they weren't ready to warm up to me.
Shortly thereafter, I asked Chad what the group was about. He told me, and I promptly replied. "Very interesting, though I'm not an atheist." His response seemed to indicate that either he thought I was christian and I should get the heck away, or else it was a dire warning that non-atheists aren't particularly welcome in this group (of course, I could be mind reading - but it's not really the point of the story). Without the time or the mental resources to openly declare my pantheism (which is as close to I can get in describing my 'belief system'), I decided it was better to just get up. Most of the people in the group seemed to be in a great deal of pain and suffering, the way they went on about the evils of Christianity and a religious government....
Which I can definitely sympathize with. But I think I've finally reconciled my feelings for religion. No longer can I blame a religious institution for the ills of society, for it is people that run these institutions. In their hearts and minds, whether they are devout or barely keeping pace, they are human beings in the end and are as subject to negative impulses as anyone else. When any group, whether they are religious, polical, or worse, begins using their methodology to judge the rest of humanity against, we have a little problem. It's called eugenics, and it's the one thing that makes us more like animals than human beings. Eugenics takes many forms, but usually it's in the religious community. But apparently it exists elsewhere, because I really don't think the atheist group would have been as open with their thoughts if they knew they were being infiltrated by a pantheist.
However, if it's any consolation, the Catholic church considers pantheists to be atheists. But I don't really care, because it's all relative. Yes, the universe is sacred - it's groovy and I'm a part of it. So let's get on with the bloody ride and be done with the cries of heresy and contempt for others not like us.
On a side note, went to see two movies over the weekend. Both were good, but one was excellent beyond measure (Hero with Jet Li). If I have time, I'll post reviews tomorrow or later in the week.
Meanwhile, it's sleepytime.
posted by novachild @ Wednesday, September 22, 2004,
